How should you feel about yourself if your child develops an “addiction?” Should you be ashamed that you did a poor job as a parent? Someone recently asked philosopher Leonard Peikoff a similar question, to which he brilliantly replied “you’re not training an animal.”
What he meant by this statement is very simple and straightforward – men have free will, and minds – and although you may do the best possible job raising your child they will ultimately choose their own path in life. If you did what you thought was proper as a parent in your best judgment at the time, then please throw away the guilt – the child’s choices are his own. But to truly do this you have to accept the premise that human beings have free will, and frankly, I don’t think a lot of people believe that anymore.
The nature versus nurture argument is so pervasive in our society, we hear it constantly. We learn new science about a gene and we say that it looks like nature is more responsible for our behavior, but then we learn of a new psychological or sociological study and we start to think that nurture (environmental influences) is more responsible for our behavior. What we ignore when we’re caught up in this false dichotomy is that free will is the ultimate cause of behavior. Each individual’s mind is as individual as their stomach. That is to say we can’t think for others any more than we can digest food for them. Only they can choose how they think, and then they will act according to how they think. We can attempt to influence and persuade, but we can never guarantee that they will think and behave the way we think is best for them.
Haven’t you ever broken off from the pack and done your own thing? How could you do that if your behavior was only determined by social influences and environment (nurture)? Did you know that people regularly overcome the most basic of biological drives for sex and nourishment? People go on hunger strikes – successfully. They also take vows of celibacy – successfully. How could we do these things if behavior was determined biologically (nature)?
The truth is that regardless of our genes or our environment we have a brain that gives us the ability to think and reason, build habits, adapt, and to think again and create new habits. Rather than just reacting to environmental influences and biological drives, we have the free will necessary to choose to slow it all down and think about what we’re doing, why we’re doing it, what we value, what we should pursue, and how we should go about pursuing it.
We are men, not animals. Your child is a man, not an animal. I’m not trying to say that parenting doesn’t matter, it matters greatly. Nature and nurture are certainly huge influences. Both positive rewards and negative consequences hold sway over our decisions, but each individual has to choose to recognize the potential outcomes of their behavior for themselves, each individual has to choose to turn on their mind and think. No one can force someone to think. So if you feel you’ve done a decent job as a parent, don’t feel guilty when your child doesn’t choose to wake up – you can’t force that upon them. They are not an animal to be whipped into submission, nor would such a strategy be helpful, because the whipping might work in the short term, but in the long term they are not learning to use their minds and make better decisions (see, the drug war).
If you are a parent of a person with a serious substance use problem and you feel it’s important for you to keep trying to parent, please also don’t feel guilty when people label you an enabler. You don’t have to completely cut ties with your child (although it isn’t always inappropriate to do so). You can maintain a relationship and continue to try to help them. But instead of trying to force an outcome, try to help them rethink their options. When you speak with your child about substance use try to make it a dialog where you ask them questions which spark thoughts. Remind them of their talents, and show them that they have many routes to joy and happiness in life. Most of all, support them in doing anything that helps them to taste the other joys in life. Your child is operating on the premise that the feeling they get from drugs is better than the feelings they can get from anything else. They may be completely aware of the possible negative consequences of their behavior, yet since they see no better alternative, then they are willing to risk these consequences. They may also be under the impression that they need substance to function, and this is why they are willing to pay such a high price for drugs. Getting out of that mindset isn’t always easy, but it can be done. But it really takes tasting the other side of life. So support them in doing that. You can shout at them that they’re killing themselves with drugs all day long, and maybe we need to hear that once – but once we’re aware of it, it just makes us feel bad. More progress will be made by supporting the other side of the equation: learning that you can be happy and cope and enjoy life without heavy drug use.
With all of this said, beware that there are no magic words, there is only an individual’s free choice to think. You never know when someone will choose to start thinking clearly, but when they do, the positive changes will happen rapidly.
P.S. Be willing to accept moderate use as an outcome. It is a myth that total abstinence is necessary, most people who end their substance abuse problems move on to a pattern of moderate use.
Considering the fact that humans are social, not solitary creatures, the whole nature/nurture concept is ridiculous. It’s like taking a worker bee out of a hive & studying it in isolation, asking whether its behavior is inborn or learned from other bees. Living in proximity with other humans who sometimes influence us to do things, other times to avoid things, & sometimes making decisions about whether or not to act without direct input from others is all part of human nature.